antigone314 (antigone314) wrote in broken_hearts_6,

My story is a bit long but I really need someone to talk to:

Ok Im 17 (I thought you should just know that).I fell in love with this guy quite some time ago. I was willing to do anything for his attention but I didnt want him to know that I was in love with him (I was afraid to scare him away or him tell everyone on my block about it. Yes he is one of my neighbors). After a long time of persuasion (about a year and a half of it) I started to do sexual favours for him and eventually I let him be my first (I lost my virginity to him). He only knows I exist when he wants something sexual or he wants a favour he says we are friends but I honestly dont think that is friendship. Im tired of having sex. Not really sex just having sex with a guy that doesnt love me. I used to be in love with him and used to hope that one day he would feel the same until I found out that he is flirting and trying to get with his sister's girlfriend (his sister is bi) and she is very attracted to him and it wouldnt surprise me if she dropped her relationship for him. Im so tired of this shit and I dont love him anymore like I used to. I promised myself that I was going to say no the next time he asks for sex and that I would never do anything sexual with him again but I cant. Yesturday he called and I said yes (luckily we didnt get around to doing anything infact I didnt here from him again after that call). I said yes but in the back of my mind I wanted to say no its like I cant say it. I dont know why. I guess its because Im scared. I dont want to tell him that I was in love with him. I just dont. I promised myself that I am going back to church and only will have sex with a guy if there is atleast a six month relationship padding it (and a good six months at that) and that is only if I feel we are up to that stage. I know religious people say that you shouldnt have sex until you are married but I cant help it Im a helpless romantic. I dont know maybe six months is too harsh I just want to make sure that the person is interested in me for me and not for sex. Besides I need to have some respect for myself you know. I need help Its like I cant say the word no to him. What should I say if he asks why I wont do it anymore. I think I should go with the whole going back to what I shouldnt have left and that is Christ and the church. Im not extremely religious but when Im praising God and being with fellow Christians worshiping or just hanging out I feel happy. I dont have to deal with all this other crap. I just need help I dont want to lose my friendship with him I still want to be able to get along with him not only because he is one of my best friend's brother but because he is one of my neighbors and I dont want to live near someone who doesnt like me and I dont like myself. I dont feel anger towards him (after all he is just a sixteen year old guy what do you expect) I just wished it could have been better. But oh well Im movin on I just need the strength and words to say no. Help me out please.

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